Renesmee Goes To School
by Joker In The Pack
Summary: Renesmee Goes To School...What could possibly go wrong?
1. Chapter 1

Renesmee's POV

I finished my science workbook and looked out of the window. Nearly 8am, I guessed. I checked the clock. Yup, I was right.

Seeing as I was half and half, I only had to sleep for a few hours. It's awesome, I watch the sun come up everyday. I love it, it's sooo pretty.

Then I slid off the sofa in my room, and stretched. Sure, I didn't need to stretch, but it was all part of the practise. Plus I was part human, so it did feel good.

I dived into my wardroe, sniffing carefully for the scent of denim and cotton. Eventually I found some jeans and a t-shirt. I changed quickly, and leaped out of the window. It was a wonderful feeling, jumping out of the window, though I had done it many times, but I never got tired of doing it.

Without thinking, I instinctively grabbed the branch of the old oak tree. Swinging on it, I sniffed. Deer or elk for breakfast? I decided deer, and swung off the branch, landing with a quiet thud.

I sniffed again and ran after it, grabbing it from behind.

I twisted it's neck round with a crack.

We fell to the floor, as I ripped a hole in it's neck, and started gulping down the warm blood.

When I finished, I dabbed at the few blood stains over my t-shirt. "Aww no", I moaned, "I like this shirt." I ran to the river for a quick swim.

I liked swimming. I scrambled up a tree and ran to the end of the branch. Taking up a near perfect diving position, I jumped down, into the water with a satisfying splash, dived down into the murky mud, then swam back to the shore. I flitted back to the house, climbing up the tree and jumping through my window.

Grabbing my hairbrush, clean clothes, and a towel, I started up the shower in my en suite, then Dad came in.

"Ness, don't forget, it's school to-", he cut off abruptly as he took in the blood stained, muddy clothes, not to mention my mud splattered hair.

"And what were you doing?", he asked impatiently. Luckily, Mom walked past and distracted him. I went over and touched them both.

"Oh ok Ness", Dad said, and they left me. I draped my towel over the hanger, put my hairbrush on the shower shelf and turned the shower on.

I went back to my room, grabbed a CD and my radio, and took it back to the bathroom. I plugged it in, put the CD in, and sang along.

When I decided the shower was warm enough, I undressed and got in. Scrubbing all the mud off my body, and the blood stains, I turned my attention to my knee length dark brown curls.

Grabbing my hairbrush and some shampoo, I rubbed shampoo onto my hair.

Tugging the brush through, I wondered what school would be like. A sudden tap on the door made me jump.

I sniffed and smelt Jake.

"Jaaaakeeee, Hold on, I'll be out in a second."I called.

"Take your time." Jacob laughed. As old as the joke was, it was still funny. In one or two swift movements, I turned the shower off, wrapped my towel round me, and switched my music off.

Hairbursh in one hand, I opened the door, and instantly Jacob swept me off the ground in a giant bear hug. Well, wolf hug really. Jacob's warmth dried my hair while we hugged.

"School, huh?", Jacob murmured. My only reponse was to snort in his ear. I wriggled free and went into my room, so I could get dressed at superhuman speed, before he came in.

Then I bounced out, tugged Jacob in the diection of the stairs and bounded down them.

Within 3 seconds, I was infront of Uncle Jasper. I bared my teeth at him and he did the same back. It was like our secret handshake. "Already hunted?", he asked. "Yup.", I replied winking swiftly at him as I breezed past with Jacob in tow.

Gramma hugged me when I went over to her. Aunt Rosalie came over too, and picked me up, spinning as she did. I giggled and she flung me over to Aunt Alice who was waltzing down the stairs. She deftly caught me and gave me over to Dad, who was sitting at the piano, playing Renesmee's melody. I leant against him until Jacob caught up and hugged me again and left, to catch up with Seth and Leah. I liked Seth. I hoped he would come over soon.

Mom looked over at the clock, grabbed my schoolbag and shoes and threw them at me. Within 5 seconds, I was standing infront of the mirror, putting my hair into a ponytail.

Then we were out of the house, Mom on my left and Dad on my right.

We flitted to near the school gates and walked through...


	2. DOOOOOM TOUR!

We walked through the playground, which was empty as we were here early, and went through the double doors leading to the office.

The lady in reception looked up.

"Hello, I'm Edward Cullen, this is my wife, Bella Cullen and Renesmee here is supposed to be starting here today.", said Dad, smiling at her as he said it. When she looked at me, I smiled at her, showing my sharp teeth. She looked back up, putting on a business-like expression.

"Yes, I remember", she answer, rifling through her desk drawers, "Renesmee Cullen, 4th grade, Class 4M."

She handed a file to Mom, who quickly read it. While Mom read it and Dad looked over her shoulder at it, I watched the lady. Her name tag identified her as Mrs Builktun. She coughed.

"Now, would you like a tour round the school?", she asked.

"Yes that would be wonderful."Dad said. Mrs Builktun walked out, and we followed.

"These are the kindergardeners classes", she announced when we came out of the office.

We walked a bit further.

"This is where the first and second grade classrooms are." she pointed out.

Then we went out of a door, across a path, and through another door, where Mrs. Builktun said:

"These are the third grade, fourth grade and fifth grade classrooms." She pointed in the directions.

She walked up to one of the fouth grade classes and said "This class is 4m." She walked to the one next to it. "This is 4n." And then the one next to it.

"This is 4o". Then she remembered.

"Oh yes, The library...", Mrs. Builktun hurried out of a door at the end of the corridor, with us close behind. Down another path, through another door.

"This, is the library. Have a look around." she said, settling herself into a swivel chair.

The library was very big. I touched Mom and showed her what I thought of it.

Dad was obviously watching it too, because they both laughed. I launched myself onto a pile of beanbags, pretending to swim through them. I was enjoying myself until Mrs. Builktun came back.

"Now are we already to go to class?", she squawked. Deciding to shock her I nodded and said, "Yes, I am.", and I watched her face as she took in my 'trilling soprano'. I touched Mom and Dad, then we all had difficulties trying to not laugh.

We followed her back to 4m, where I kissed Mom and Dad goodbye, while Mrs. B knocked on the door. I heard someone say "Come In". Mrs. B opened the door, and I waved goodbye and smiled. Then I walked to my doom....


	3. Ohmigosh!

Ohmigosh, I'm sitting in the OFFICE.

I didn't do anything I swear!

Ok, I broke that boys nose.

And that other boys arm.

And all the girls noses.

And another boys arm.

THEY STARTED IT I SWEAR ON MY LIFEE.

Dis what happened:

I stood in the playground, lookin around, then this boy came up to me and kicked his ball at me, so I caughted and and popped it by squeezing it.

Then he punched me and broke his hand.

Then he started callin me stuff sooooo....I broke his nose.

He screamed for backup then went to the nurses room.

Then I was surrounded.

They TRIED to punch me, but all they did was shatter the bones in their arms.

Then I punched the girls in the nose and walked off.

I'm suspended for a month.

And grounded.

That sucks.

I blame them.

School and me will NOT go together.

Heyho, I'm at home now, sitting infront of the TV with Alice chattering about something.

Haven't a clue what though, but I betcha, she'll dress me up after. Or take me shopping.

Oooh, an advert.

OHMIGOSH.

I logged onto my laptop, typed in the pass (P.s my pass is mongoose, don't tell anyone, but without the comma k?)

YOUTUBE

I got on as fast aas possible and then typed in

Cheeze shop sketch (Without a Z though)

Then I clicked one and a person came up.

Pictures.

Then he opened the door, walked in, closed it.

He went to the counter and rang the bell, and the shop owner came up to him.

Customer: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

Owner: Peckish, sir?

Customer: Esuriant.

Owner: Eh?

Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!

Owner: Ah, hungry!

Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

Owner: Come again?

Customer: I want to buy some cheese.

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music.

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

Owner: _(lustily)_ Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.

Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Customer: Red Windsor?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Customer: Ah. Stilton?

Owner: Sorry.

Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?

Owner: No.

Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.

Owner: No.

Customer: Lipta?

Owner: No.

Customer: Lancashire?

Owner: No.

Customer: White Stilton?

Owner: No.

Customer: Danish Brew?

Owner: No.

Customer: Double Goucester?

Owner: _(pause)_ No.

Customer: Cheshire?

Owner: No.

Customer: Dorset Bluveny?

Owner: No.

Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

Owner: No.

Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.

Customer: _(suprised)_ You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...

Customer: Oh, I like it runny.

Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

Customer: I don't care how extra runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! _(pause)_

Customer: What now?

Owner: The cat's eaten it.

Customer: _(pause)_ Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

Customer: _(pause)_ Gouda?

Owner: No.

Customer: Edam?

Owner: No.

Customer: Case Ness?

Owner: No.

Customer: Smoked Austrian?

Owner: No.

Customer: Sage Darby?

Owner: No, sir.

Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?

Owner: _(brightly)_ Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--

Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

Owner: Yes?

Customer: Splendid!, well, I'll have some of that!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

Customer: _(pause)_ Greek Feta?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?

Owner: No.

Customer: Parmesan,

Owner: No.

Customer: Mozarella,

Owner: No.

Customer: Paper Cramer,

Owner: No.

Customer: Any Danish Bimbo,

Owner: No.

Customer: Czech sheep's milk,

Owner: No.

Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

Customer: _(pause)_ Let's keep it simple then...Aah, how about Cheddar?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Customer: _(slight pause)_ and pray, what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?

Owner: 'Illchester, sir.

Customer: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manner, squire.

Customer: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Customer: _(annoyed)_ Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

Owner: _(brightly)_ You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

Customer: Is it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you so....

Customer: _(slowly)_ Have you got any Limburger?

Owner: No.

Customer: , really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Customer: _(deliberately)_ Do you have any cheeze at all?

Owner: Yes, sir.

Customer: Now, I'm going to ask you that question, once more and if you say no, I will shoot you through the head. Do you have any cheeze at all?

Owner: No.

(The Cu_stomer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)_

Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

I laughed at that, I laughed so much I fell off the sofa.

Everyone watched it and started laughing to.

I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow.....

**A/n: Do I get my reviews nao? Pwease. Sorreh bout the lack of a/n's, i know you like my little annotations, but I keep forgetting you gotta put them in like this. Heyho, there we go. Whoop!**


	4. Imbeciles

**A/N: Yeah, She's only suspended for a week now, I'll correct it in a min…**

~The Next Week~

Today I decided I could not be bothered going to stupid school. I lay in bed listening to the stupid alarm clock.

I clicked it off.

2 seconds later

_Beep beep beep_

Turned it off again

_Beep beep beep_

And again…

_Beep beep be-_

I picked it up and flung it at the wall.

Silence.

I snuggled up in bed until suddenly…

_Beep beep beep._

I give up.

I groaned and jumped out of bed giving the stupid alarm clock an evil glare before I entered my room-sized wardrobe.

Ugh! How could I possibly find any clothes within my reach in this wardrobe? It was all up high and on hangers and there were hundreds of layers.

And me…well….I'm a dwarf.

D:

I groaned and called for Alice.

She was up here before I even finished calling her name.

"You'll be wearing this today. It's sweet isn't it? It says 'I'm not a slut but rip it off and take-'"

"Alice!" I hissed.

"What? Don't worry y-"

"I'm 7."

"Oh."

We stood there in an awkward silence.

She eventually cleared her throat (not that she needed to) and lead me on through the wardrobe.

We eventually found after 30 minutes of looking for an outfit that suit me; it wasn't showing to much skin and something I wouldn't be suspended for violation of the school.

Alice…

I shook my head.

She skipped away with me being dragged behind and took me down stairs for breakfast

Mum and Dad where at the table waiting for me Em and Jazz where wrestling in the living room, Rosalie was….staring in a mirror.

And Emmett was cooking breakfast for me.

I smiled.

"Morning sweetie. How did you sleep?" Mom asked.

"Could have been better. If you and dad didn't keep me up all night with your animal sex next door…"I hissed.

"What?"

"Nothing mom."

I sighed and sat down for breakfast.

Emmett raced up and sat a plate in front of me. It had a towel over it like he has something glorious hidden under it.

Esme sighed, Mom shook her head, Jasper laughed, Alice scowled, Dad groaned then smacked his head on the table and Rosalie…was too self involved to notice anything going on.

"Here you go Nessie! I combined your 2 favourite meals! And made a Bloodcake!"

What the hell??

He lifted the towel off to see a plate covered with cow blood and a pancake in the middle.

What

The

Hell?

It looked revolting.

"Ok. You… expect… _me_ to… _eat_ this?" I grimaced Emmet grinned like a fool, like a FOOL!

I mean this…thing…even had flies round about it!

I picked up my fork and poked it to see if it was alive.

It twitched and crawled off my plate.

"What the hell??!!" I gasped as it crawled around the kitchen table. Everyone was gob smacked. Except Emmett who was still staring at the plate.

"Emmett, you do know the thing…isn't on the plate anymore, right?"

"What? Where did it go?"

I pointed to it and he gasped.

"Look at her go…" He admired wiping away an imaginary tear and sniffing.

"She's beautiful…" Jasper commented.

"Shall I grab it back?" Bella asked.

"No….She'll make her own way home…" Emmet confirmed, nodding his head as was everyone else.

I stared at the bunch of idiots.

Why oh why? What did I do to deserve to be stuck with these imbeciles?

"Uhm ok…I think I'm going to go to school now…Er.." I jumped of the chair and was stopped by Dad.

What did he want now?

"Now now, not so fast, I don't want anymore calls today alright? Remember humans are fragile. You mustn't break them. Understood?" He raised his eyebrows (Monobrow!).

I sighed and nodded

"Yea yea whatever."

"That's my girl. Now off you go…"

"Bye." I said and ran for it. I needed out of this lunatic house.

-At school-

Today was so boring, we were in Art class.

I so badly just wanted to reach out and break the guy in front of me's arm.

But I couldn't.

My mind started thinking of all the wonderful possibilities I could do…I grinned evilly and started sketching everything down

"Cough Couch" Coughed the teacher raising a stern eyebrow at me.

"Er…" I hid my work I snatched off and looked at it.

His mouth dropped open.

Uh oh…

"Renesme!! What is _this_???" He panicked.

"Er…Art?" I had no clue what to say to that question.

"Dear Lo- Wait? You think this is art?? What the heck? Stabbing someone through the chest? Chopping peoples heads? Chaining them to beds and walls and ABUSING THEM? My dear child you need help." And with that he raced out the room leaving me in a class with a bunch of misfits. All crying.

Well done Ness…You did it _again_.

-3 hours later-

"So…again Renesme where do you…these violent thoughts from?" The therapist asked. My whole family looked at me and I started to get nervous.

"Er…My uncles. Jasper and Emmett." I confirmed pointing hand at the two. Their eyes widened in shock.

"Mhm, mhm very good. What do they do..?" He asked taking his glasses' off. Raising a crinkly eyebrow at me.

"Er…They wrestle…talk about…um*cough* stuff…Err…-"

"What sort of stuff?"

"Well mostly naked woman and porn…-"

There eyes widened and their mouths dropped open….Alice and Rosalie glared hatefully at them as in 'you're dead'

"Excuse me?? You talk about this with a child around?!"

"Uhmafontaba" Was Emmett's brilliant answer.

"Right."

"I understand now. How does this make you feel?"

"Sick.."

"I see."

"Ok. I can officially diagnose you with…Obsessive violent thoughts."

**A/N: DUN DUN DUNNNN! Credit to TeamVolturii who helped me with most of this…okay, she wrote the chapter for me and I edited it….=]**


	5. TheNextChapter

**A/N:** **Hehe, Im updating!**

_Previously…_

"_Ok. I can officially diagnose you with…Obsessive violent thoughts."_

_**Renesmee's POV**_

This is great.

Just great.

I'm on holiday.

In the mental ward.

With Jazz and Em.

It's their fault…

"Renesmee Cullen? Your turn" a nurse called.

Except she said it "Renee Smee Cullen"

Gee, what fun. Even when I'm not with the imbeciles I like to call my family, I'm with imbeciles I don't call family…

So yeah, then I got up and trundled over to the nurse cause I decided to hop in a lil toy car on my way over there, and she took me to the

The

The

Therapist…

DUN DUN DUNNNNN!

I even learnt my alphabet!

Aren't I such a good little girl?

_Flashback_

The Therapist called me and asked me what the first letter of the alphabet was.

Therapist: What's the first letter of the alphabet?

Nessie: Porn

Therapist: Do you WANT to be locked up in the mental ward?

Nessie: Sure!

Therapist: How ya gonna get yourself outta there?

Nessie: IN MA LITTLE VROOM VROOM CAR!

_End of flashback_

That didn't go too well…

Ooh, this is a different therapist…

Hey, isn't this the one Dad and Co had when they had to go to therapy?

Hehe, fun time!

**A/N: Sorry it's so short, my muse ran off, AND took the cookies with it…Damn. But I promise I'll give you an extra long chapter next time to make up for it, yeah? But, you gotta review, come on, I need ideas people.**

**LOST! MUSE, GOES BY THE NAME OF BUCKET, PLEASE FIND. LIKES COOKIES AND FUNNY STORIES. IS BLUE. PLEASE RETURN TO -FairyFreak12-. THANKS!**


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